TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historical culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from location. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But Of course, absolutely sure, let's have Yet another location exactly where American men can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When earlier negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: supply All people a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It is that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head seen from space, a characteristic being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following finding the building's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Functions


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "the place's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is by now attracting interest from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge the place my PTSD can have transform-down provider."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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